A Changing Christmas Story

Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters decend upon us.






As a military child I have spent many a holiday not in my home.Often we stay at a grandparent's house in San Francisco or in Spokane. There was the Christmas break that we were moving, so my mom plugged a little Christmas tree into the cigarette lighter in the van, so we at least had a tree some where. Apparently a moving van showed up on Christmas eve one year. There was the year that Skeeter the cat was dying and held on long enough to make it through Christmas day.
Moral of the story, I'm used to Christmas being different every year. We have our traditions, and my mom has done fantastically well EVERY YEAR keeping the family together and happy. This year just feels like the weirdest yet....


1. My grandpa died this year. While it's really not that strange that he died (he hadn't been doing well for a while, and he was really quite old). It was just strange not having him around at our Christmas gathering. I think the weirder thing was leaving my Grandma's place. She was just there, alone, she gave us a little wave...and we left...I can't imagine what that would be like. Just alone. Sure, we'll see her again tomorrow, but she doesn't have anyone to wake up with and start the festivities off right away.


2. We're staying in a hotel this Christmas. Sure it's been done before, but it just feels especially wrong to be staying in a hotel, at Christmas, and in Spokane.


3. I didn't get Christmas PJs this year. Not that I really need them, but it's just one more example of how I'm growing up. I just feel awkward wearing old PJs tonight.


4. Lauren's not here. I saw her tonight, and I'll even be opening presents with her tomorrow morning. But we didn't decorate Christmas cookies together, we didn't hang ornaments on the tree and I won't be waking her up tomorrow so we can walk down the stairs in order for our mom to take our picture while we are "surprised" by the presents Santa brought.


5. I just don't feel like I saw enough Christmas movies this year. I need my Rudolph and Charlie Brown. I only have Ralphie, Buddy and Jack to comfort me this year.


6. My mom has cancer. It doesn't really change the Christmas spirit (minus the fact that she's EXTRA mushy this year). It's just weird seeing her frail. It's a state I'm hardly used to seeing in my grandparents, it's just weird dealing with it with my MOM. The idea of playing caretaker is haunting me. I'm so used to her taking care of me, it's difficult to remember that now she needs the support. Not to mention the fact that she absolutely hates having to get help for things that she would normally do herself.




Once again my whining ranting results in the theme of: I'm getting older, and I don't know how to cope with that fact. It just makes me feel awkward all over.






Also, what's up with the name Scut Farkus?

This took a different direction than I expected

It’s weird to think that a year ago I was in Bordeaux. Actually, in about a week I’d be leaving for Portugal. It’s crazy. My life is obviously much different than it was when I was living in France, but I think it goes beyond just how my physical life has changed.

As I get closer to graduating I think part of me is becoming more serious. After realizing I will never be a public accountant, I guess a girl kind of has to.

That being said, I’m scared shitless of growing up. I have even less of a clue to what I’m going to do with my life when I graduate, so I also refuse to talk to my serious side. She can live under a rock for all I care. She has no place here anymore.

I guess I have to keep reminding myself the only good thing about public accounting was the fact I would have had a job. That and I have enough credits to sit for the CPA. But really the good outweighs those little facts. I now won’t be forced into a career path that I never could really see myself in. I won’t necessarily have to introduce myself as an accountant to people, and then go into excruciating detail as to why not all accountants are evil or even do the same thing. I also can now work for a company that I truly like and won’t feel guilty working for. I can also work for a company where I can grow into a roll that I actually want to do.

The struggle now lies solely in decisions. I have to find and apply for something. Anything. I don’t know where to begin. Now I totally understand people who go back to school. In school there is comfort. I know what school is. I know all the possible rejections involved with school. But I really don’t want to study anymore!! I also really don’t want to move back to Walla Walla. But I may have to. If I do though, so help me I will become a professional in the world of wine. I’m not even kidding.

Arguing with one's self is the first sign of sanity

My parents are in love. They have been married for 26 years. Their relationship has always been unquestionable to me. It’s never been something I admired, or dreamed about. It was just normal. The relationship is so perfect it goes unnoticed. Sure they fight. Sure they annoy each other. But there has never been a doubt in my mind that they were not going to be married to each other forever.

I guess that’s a good feeling. Security. But like I said before. I never really notice it, think about it, take time to be grateful. Occasionally I think about the anomaly of my family. We all get along great. I never was concerned with my parents getting divorced as a child.

I recently just watched my best friend’s parents go through one of the ugliest divorces. THAT made me stop and think. How lucky I am. How lucky my parents are. How likely it will be that I manage to find a relationship equal to theirs. How unlikely it will be that my best friend finds a relationship equal to theirs.

It may sound cynical, but growing up with such a positive relationship as guidance, I think gives me a better chance at finding a similar situation.

That being said, I think I put extreme pressure on every relationship I’m in, to try and make it measure up to my parents. That combined with my freakish obsession with Disney movies has given me some very unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships.

 My mom says that her friendship with my dad is what kept them together all these years. She says that romance, chemistry and butterflies come in and out of relationships, but a strong friendship will always stay. So I guess that’s the first thing I want.

Friendship.

I want someone who I can talk to. About everything. Although, I feel like everything may be an excessive goal. I want someone who is actually interested in the things I say. Someone who understands the things I say. Someone who I don’t mind listening to and who I can understand. At the end of the day, when something happens to me, I want to want to tell that person.