In fact, I am crying on a train

I woke up pretty early today, because I wanted to watch the sunrise at the church. I missed the sunrise, but I still got some pink clouds!

The church is so much better when there aren’t as many people. I would hate to be here during the summer when every shop, restaurant, and tourist trap is open (not to mention the hordes of people…)

I wandered around the sanctuary, did the disabled Stations of the Cross.

Went to mass in French. I thought it would be difficult to understand, but no one told me there would be an African priest and an Italian (?) deacon. I had no prayer of understanding. The guy who led the singing had a beautiful voice, I just wish they had song books so I didn’t have to fake singing along! I would if I could people!

Next, I did the non-disabled Stations of the Cross, which were arranged on a giant and very steep hill. After passing one group of intense (religion-wise) English speaking Africans I decided to subtly join the next one. I’m really glad I did! It forced me to slow down and pause for reflection. I didn’t know their songs, but I really appreciated their passion.

After, I went down and just people watched. There is literally every kind of person, some freaking out and crying, others just kneeling at whatever random statue they can find, and of course the Japanese tourist.

(No, these people aren't peeing. They're getting/drinking/bathing in holy water!
People fill anything up with holy water!
Giant containers, Mary statues, coke bottles, vials you can purchase for 1E, etc)

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I’ve always wanted to come to Lourdes. Since about the time I decided on Bernadette as my saint I’ve struggled with religion, so much of it seems invented or imagined. It is also often used as an excuse to do horrible things to each other. I’m not just directing my issues at the Catholic church either, they’ve just been around long enough to cause A LOT of damage….

But, like I said before, I’ve always wanted to visit Lourdes. I was hoping it would answer some spiritual questions. Or at least advise me in some way.

Instead I found myself mourning the loss of my childhood throughout my journey. Yes I miss my Barbies, but I miss my innocence more. I want to go back to a time of accepting things the way they are; without doubt, and without fear of the future. Instead I’m forced to live in a time where there are more gift shops in Lourdes than there are in Vegas.

On the other hand, I saw some amazing views, passionate people, thousands of prayer candles...and I’m old enough to remember.